It's June 9th as the sun begins to set over Champaign, Illinois. The faint sounds of birds chirping in the distance, leaves rustling in the brisk Midwestern breeze, and the hypnotizing "whoosh" of far-off traffic cascade through the streets on this beautiful early summer's night. All's well in Champaign.
Suddenly, an insidious reverberation pierces the eardrums of nearby pedestrians.
Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee Wee-O-Weee-O-Weee Wee-O-Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee
Onlookers fall to their knees in despair. A great thunderous tremble accompanies the shrieking sound. A tornado? An Earthquake? A herd of raging rhinos? In Champaign? Couldn't possibly be...
Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee Wee-O-Weee-O-Weee Wee-O-Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee
Passers-by search frantically for the source of the horrific sound. Over the horizon, the sum of all their fears is realized. An SUV with 20 inch rims comes into focus. The cacophony being emitted from the monstrous vehicle sets off nearby car alarms and shatters windshields and tympanic membranes. Lil Wayne continues his musical onslaught upon the innocent bystanders.
Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee (Yea)
And I know she the law, and she know I'm the boss
And she know I can hide a-bove the law
And she know I'm raw, she know it from the street
And all she want me to do is **** the police
Talkin' bout...
Perched behind the wheel - flat-brimmed hat slightly off-kilter - sits Vontae Davis, former superstar of the Fighting Illini and promising young rookie of the Miami Dolphins. Pedestrians look on in horror as Vontae unleashes the full power of his subwoofers upon their feeble ears. The pounding bass causes bystanders to shake violently in rhythm - as if shaken by some giant, invisible maraca player. A small dog does back flips involuntarily.
Vontae looks on, unabashed, bouncing his head up and down to the stylings of Mr. Wayne.
Another sound enters the spectrum of sonorous insanity. It is barely audible through the super-sonic wall of sound surrounding the SUV, but this sound is accompanied by flashing lights. Victims stand dazed, wondering to themselves if they had unwittingly ingested hallucinogens and are, in fact, standing on a dance floor.
Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee Wee-O-Weee-O-Weee Wee-O-Weee-O-Weee-O-Weee
The sounds, mercifully, come to an end. Salvation had arrived and it was clad in blue.
After several minutes of Vontae Davis trying to justify his reprehensible behavior to one of Champaign's finest, justice is finally served. Vontae Davis is arrested for driving without a valid license and unnecessary vehicular noise.
Simultaneously, 1,262 miles away, Vontae Davis is in the locker room of the Dolphins' Training Facility in Davie, Florida preparing to head home after a long day of running drills during OTAs.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to enter the Twilight Zone.
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There can be only one conclusion; Vontae Davis has managed to accomplish the seemingly impossible. He has broken the barriers of time and space.
Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to figuring out how Davis managed to pull off something of this magnitude. It may never be given any satisfactory answer. Scientists will surely examine this case with great curiosity, but they will fail to find any suitable conclusion as to how Vontae Davis managed to be in two places at once. This figures to remain an enduring mystery that will continue to baffle even the most brilliant of minds for years to come.
Even though I cannot hope to conjure up the amount of mental power necessary to tackle this problem satisfactorily, I will put forth my best theories nonetheless.
Theory #1: VONTAE DAVIS IS A MUTANT
Vontae is naturally gifted, that much is evident. However, he could be hiding the true extent of his natural gifts. There have long been rumors of men born with incredible powers. Through the years, some have even been captured and exploited for monetary gain by circuses and reality tv shows. The street magician known as David Blaine is rumored to be one such case.
This being the case, it is reasonable to assume that Vontae only uses a portion of his powers on the field as to not draw attention to himself, lest he be captured and studied in some lab by prodding scientists wishing to unlock the genetic code behind his powers. Even using but a percentage of his powers, he has been able to outperform even the most talented of athletes. If he is a mutant, he may have been born with a power which gives him the ability to travel at incredible rates of speed or teleport great distances.
Such powers would give him more than enough time to travel from South Florida to Illinois and back in a span of a few hours. However, this would not explain how the Illinois Police Department had another Vontae Davis in custody at the same time that he was in Florida.
My theory: Using his super-speed or teleportation powers, he managed to decrease his mass and slip through the bars of his jail cell, print a life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself at a local Kinkos, and place the cut-out back in his jail cell and escape to Florida undetected.
If Vontae is indeed a super-powered mutant, the Miami Dolphins got a steal with the 25th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft.
Theory #2: VONTAE DAVIS IS REALLY, REALLY SMART AND TURNED HIS SUV INTO A TIME MACHINE
GREAT SCOTT! Vontae may have done it. He may have successfully invented the first vehicle capable of traveling through space-time. Kudos to the University of Illinois Physics Department. That "Intro to Physics" class looks like it paid off... BIG TIME!
How did Vontae do it? It could be in the sub-woofers... Perhaps the sub-woofers emit a frequency so powerful that it creates a wormhole, thus allowing Vontae to drive his SUV through two points in the space-time continuum, coming out on the other end at a different place and time.
Perhaps, upon heading home from workouts in Davie, Vontae decided to cruise down A1A to unwind a little. However, upon reaching South Beach, he was confronted by a massive traffic jam. Vontae, undaunted, decided to do some cruising at his old stomping grounds, cranked up the juice, and off he went to Champaign.
Perhaps, this was actually a Vontae Davis from an alternate dimension! That would explain the two Vontaes. The Vontae Davis in the jail cell in Illinois was actually a time-traveling Vontae from an alternate universe.
It has been postulated by physicists that there may be an infinite number of universes with an infinite number of possibilities existing parallel to each other. Perhaps, one such alternate dimension, Vontae Davis being a superstar physicist at the University of Illinois, instead of a superstar defensive back, modified his SUV to travel through time, and ended up in Champaign on another plane of existence.
Unfortunately for Bizarro Vontae, it appears that time-travel is excessively noisy, and thus, against the law in our Universe.
Theory #3: VONTAE DAVIS IS DIVINE
NFL scouts and amateur NFL draft analysts have long noted that Vontae Davis has the physique of a god. However, none of them might have realized how truly on the mark their observations might have been until now.
Gods are not constrained by the limits of time and space. Perhaps, like the Greek God Zeus, Vontae is actually a divine entity who has come down from the heavens and taken human form in order to embarass feeble mortals with his immense athletic prowess and copulate with copious amounts of women.
Being the supreme talent evaluator that he is, Bill Parcells might have somehow clued in on the divinity of Vontae Davis. Afterall, Vontae shares a similar ferocious style of play which was first demonstrated by the demigod Lawrence Taylor. Perhaps, Bill Parcells himself is the incarnation of an all-powerful, all-knowing god. That would certainly explain his astounding ability to turn feces into gold.
The gods are amongst us, and they are here to judge us in the form of professional athletes. Think twice before you foolishly accuse another one of steroid use, lest you feel the wrath of the gods above.
If Vontae is a god, he likely split himself in two, creating a clone of himself to occupy the jail cell in Illinois, as he ventured back down south to participate at Dolphins camp the following morning.
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While we could theorize for days as to how Vontae Davis could accomplish this miraculous feat, we, unlike Vontae, are slaves to time. Time only goes one way for us - quickly forward and unconcerned with our plight. As such, we must move on from this issue, even as we look back in wonder.
Although, thinking back on it now, some punk could have snagged Vontae Davis' wallet a few months back and impersonated him when he got pulled over for a noise violation. The Illinois Policie Department could have failed to notice the fraudulent act of identity theft and posted it on their website. Following this blunder, several newspaper journalists in a wild craze to break some news before their competitors beat them to it might have reported that the real Vontae Davis of the Miami Dolphins was arrested without doing their due dilligence.
Nah... That's just too unbelievable...
2 comments:
I thought this was freakin' hilarious.
Thanks Michael!
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