Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Random Things That Can Catch a Football Better Than Ted Ginn

[NOTE: I originally wrote this following the infamous Saints game, however I got lazy trying to write a caption for each image. Being that I am still too lazy to write captions for these images, I will just post it as is. Enjoy!]

Ted Ginn Jr. is a professional. He gets paid three million four hundred twenty-four thousand six hundred and eighty dollars a year by the Miami Dolphins to do one simple task - catch a leather, oblong-shaped ball while running at a fast rate of speed. While he is quite adept at jaunting across the field at a high velocity, he fails in the most important aspect of his job - catching.

You see, Ted Ginn is a receiver. At least that is what his job description reads. The definition of a receiver is "one who receives something." The act of receiving entails collecting an item and maintaining it in one's possession. This is a concept that Ginn does not appear to grasp. Kind of like a football... Ever.

So while Ginn continues to cash a paycheck that he certainly doesn't earn, I will list some other people and things that would quite likely do as a good a job of catching a football as he does.

Without further ado...

#14: An Actual Dolphin

Dolphins are incredibly graceful and intelligent. As such, they are able to grasp difficult concepts and can be trained to perform a variety of tricks, including catching a ball - an ability that has thwarted Ted Ginn for so long. During a rain game at Landshark Stadium, an actual dolphin might serve as a exceptional replacement for Ginn. Heck, if I were Dolphins' owner Stephen Ross, I might just petition the league to install a giant Slip and Slide across the field for just this purpose.

#13: John Kerry

While John Kerry is more known for botching elections, he has also had his Ginnish moments with a football. While on the campaign trail (and on his way to failing epically in losing the election to one of the most unpopular Presidents of all time) in 2004, Kerry showed his skills with the pigskin. You can take a look at some of his greatest moments on the gridiron right here.

#12: Bill Buckner

#11: A Pepsi Machine

#10: Darren Sharper

# 9: Edward Scissorhands

#8: An Oiled-Up Fabio

#7: A Flying Squirrel

#6: USA Volleyball Star Logan Tom

#5: A Butterfinger Candy Bar

#4: Stephen Hawking

#3: The Arby's Mitt

#2: The Gum Under Your Shoe

#1: A Colony of Lepers

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"Fire Sparano!"

This is a message to the "Fire Sparano" crowd...

Do you go to your boss and ask to be fired every time you have a bad day of work? If not, get off it. Do you realize the Miami Dolphins' loss to the Buffalo Bills was the FIRST time the Dolphins have lost to an obviously inferior team under his stewardship? Yes, in 27 tries, this was the first time you can honestly say his decisions and his coaching was responsible for his team's loss to a crappy team. Yet you want him fired?

Do you realize how many hall of fame coaches have lost to inferior teams during their career? You can look no further than next week's opponent. Yes, even the hallowed Bill Belichick has suffered the indignation of getting beatdown by an inferior opponent. One of those losses even came against our craphole of team back in 2004. AJ FREAKING FEELEY beat his SUPERBOWL TEAM on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Sound the alarms! FIRE BELICHICK!

Could you imagine what would have become of the Patriots under Belichick, the Steelers under Cowher, or the Giants under Coughlin if the owners followed the advice of toolbag fans each time they had a poor performance? They wouldn't have Superbowl rings, that's for sure.

Go down the list, EVERY Superbowl winning coach has had some stinkers of games. Belichick has had plenty, even during his dynasty years... Buffalo in 2003, Miami in 2004. Cowher was notorious for choking in the playoffs. Coughlin was on his last legs before the 2007 SB winning season.

What do all of these teams have in common?


Patience is apparently a virtue long forgotten by NFL fans, but it is still essential for the success of a franchise. Developing a championship team is still a process. It's not instant oatmeal.

This same team is two years removed from ONE and frickin-frackin FIFTEEN. Do you expect the Lions to win a Superbowl next year? If not, why in the hell would you expect the Dolphins to win one this year? Yes, we all want this to happen, but most of us realize we still need more talent to have it all come together.

Another thing you must take into account is that this team is essentially a M*A*S*H unit at this point... FIVE of the most important players are out for the SEASON. You would have to be delusional to believe an already flawed team would be blowing teams out of the water with a roster missing its centerpieces...

Now, if you must still chant from the rooftops  "Fire Sparano! Fire Sparano!", please share with us your brilliant strategy of replacing him with a coach that DOESN'T put up a stinker every once in a while and will have the Dolphins winning Superbowls in Year One. I'm all ears.

Monday, October 26, 2009

In Honor of Ted Ginn

I will continue to post this image of Ted Ginn every week until he doesn't fuck up... So basically, for the rest of the season.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

BIG PICTURE: Dolphins Built for 2010

After every loss, we Dolphin fans begin to feel like the Balloon Boy hiding in the basement as the season floats away - waiting for the embarrassing spectacle to cease. Like little Falcon Heene, some might vomit in disgust. Twice. On national television - all over one of Stephen Ross's newest celebrity owners. However, It is important to remember that nothing is ever as bad as it seems after a loss. And nothing is ever as good as it seems after a win.

The truth is, this team wasn't designed to make a huge playoff push this season. Yes, we all had high hopes coming off one of the best turnaround seasons in NFL history, but the original plan did not include a Super Bowl run this soon after the mess that was inherited. The original plan consisted of earning the title of "Contender" in 2010, not 2009. From much of what the team has displayed this season, it surely feels like they are on the way to accomplishing just that.

As evidenced by the losses this season, the Dolphins are not yet ready to hang with the elite. However, they are pretty damn close. A few Ted Ginn bobbled non-catches close. When you examine the tape, the 2-4 Dolphins were probably the most difficult wins for two currently undefeated teams.

Remember, Bill Parcells even mentioned during the offseason that the 2009 Dolphins would be better than 2008's squad, but would likely have a worse record. I think we all braced ourselves for that reality prior to the season, but of course, with every win and loss our perspective of expectations change. In all likelihood, this is a 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7 team with the schedule that they were handed.

However, all is not lost for this season. If the Dolphins manage to win the next two games - gargantuan divisional games - they have a real good shot at the playoffs. Even if they do get in, don't expect much. This team isn't ready yet.

Thank you Captain Obvious!

Good news? The plan is being fulfilled. Most of the major pieces that were needed during the post-Cameron overhaul of the Dolphins have been filled, and with a year of seasoning, they should be in prime position for a dominant season in 2010.

There are only a few pieces that need to be added in order for this to be accomplished, and most are glaringly obvious.

  • A Starting Wide Receiver (that has hands, or some appendages capable of holding onto an oval object)
  • A Safety (that can tackleand not get abused by Tight Ends)
  • A pass catching TE (that doesn't fumble incessantly)
  • An Inside Linebacker (that can actually touch the football once in his lifetime and that can cover a Tight End)
  • A Nose Tackle (to take over for Big Ferg)

Other than those positions listed above, only depth is truly needed to complete the team. With a very deep draft, this list can quite easily be fulfilled.

Even without the upgrades, there should be some addition by subtraction. You must consider that a Dolphins team without Ted Ginn on the roster is good for at least two more wins a year.

So, Dolphin fans, before you try to run the best thing to happen to this franchise since Shula out of town, please consider the plan and take note of the positive direction the team is taking toward fulfilling the plan.

As for this season?


And enjoy the ride...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Fins Bits: Carolina Panthers @ Miami Dolphins | Preseason Week 2

Talk of plagues, sporadic storms, fallen heroes and muffed punts made tonight's game a most apocalyptic affair. Thankfully, the second coming of the Wildcat staved off the locusts. Overall, it was a pretty decent showing for the Dolphins. Both the first team offense and defense looked solid. Even their understudies looked sharp. However, the special teams unit appeared to be the antithesis of its name.

Quick Hits:

The Second Coming
The wildcat is back to its old tricks. A year later, and the same old "gimmick" plays still appear to be as effective as ever - during preseason at least. As Bob Griese pointed out, the Dolphins reenacted a highlight reel of last year's most successful wildcat plays. There are sure to be some new 'Cat plays in the bag just waiting to be released once the games count for real. Now, can they gain more than -2 yards against a fast, heavy pressure defense like the Ravens? That's the real question.

The Fall of Return Man
Chris Williams went from hero to zero. When your only gig on the team is to catch kicks and run with them, it doesn't bode well for your job prospects when you try to catch the ball with your face mask. Williams muffed, Sparano got miffed, and for that, he may get whacked.

I think Williams has some talent as a returner. He definitely has the quickness and moves to weave his way through the chaos, but the most important aspect of the position is to ensure that the ball never ends up in the opponent's hands. Unfortunately for Williams, he failed on that count. Williams has muffed the ball in each of his preseason auditions. He might be receiving the Eric Green treatment soon to send yet another message to the team.

I'm not sure if quarterbacks get to listen to music through the fancy radio equipment in their helmets, but tonight the Carolina Panthers' QBs could hear Freddie Mercury blaring through their head set loud and clear. UNDER PRESSURE! While there may not have been any sacks listed on the stat sheet, the dolphins were applying heavy pressure throughout the game causing the Panthers to make errant throws on several occasions. Jason Taylor, Channing Crowder, Joey Porter, Cameron Wake, Phillip Merling, Quentin Moses, Jason Ferguson and others were constantly in the backfield.

Vontae's Redemption
Looks like Vontae Davis and Chris Williams have been playing on the preseason see-saw. Gravity was kinder to Davis on this night. Davis recovered from a mistake-prone showing last Monday to redeem himself and show the promise that everyone expected of him. He made several solid one-on-one tackles on receivers in the flat and he covered his man well, not giving up any large gains that I recall. In Sean Smith's absence, Davis was able to possibly gain some ground on the competition for the starting spot. However, at this juncture, Smith still has the edge in the competition in my opinion.

BTW, Mr. Griese, with all due respect, let the kid celebrate his success. Griese was beginning to sound like Dennis the Menace's neighbor out there. As long as Davis isn't starting a Conga line and hiding Landshark beers in his pants to chug after each play, I am cool with a little bit of enthusiasm from the rookie.

Wide Receivers Immune to Swine Flu?
The cornerbacks should hang out with the wide receivers more often... Because they can't catch a cold! Ba Dum Dum! Ok, my jokes suck. But so did the receivers tonight. Almost every receiver had a drop - even the sure-handed Davone Bess. In fact, the running backs were the best pass catchers on the field. This unit has a lot of work to do this week.

Ronnie Brown Getting in Gear
Ronnie Brown looked in mid-season form. He was carving up the Panthers defense out of traditional formations and got some good work in orchestrating his patented wildcat offense. He also made a beauty of a reception and punched it in for the only touchdown of the Chad Pennington-led Dolphins. I am excited to see what Ronnie can do in his second year of this system. I just hope the front office locks him up for a few more years.

Tyrannosaurus Lex
Like the giant reptiles that once roamed in his home of Montana, Lex Hilliard was a force to be reckoned with. The former Montana Grizzly showed a surprising combination of grit, power and speed that could make it difficult for the Dolphins to stash him on the practice squad for the second year in a row. There will be some tough decisions to make in a few weeks. If Hilliard continues to impress, the Dolphins may opt to keep four running backs on the roster. Considering the fact that the Dolphins are a run-heavy team, especially with their wildcat packages, it may be in their best interests to keep the young back on the squad in favor of a sixth wide receiver.

Chad Henne Passed the Test
Coach Sparano swapped Pat White and Chad Henne to see if Henne could close out a game. Henne not only secured the victory, he did it in a precise and efficient manner that would make Chad Pennington proud. He wasn't perfect, putting two balls on the ground (which were thankfully recovered by Dolphins), but he lead the team down the field for several scoring drives throughout the second half. He picked apart the field in the same surgical manner that Dr. Pennington often does. There is still definitely some work to do, especially that quarterback/center exchange, but Henne looks very comfortable in the offense and should function efficiently should the Dolphins need his services at any point this season.

Next Week: @ Tampa Bay

Dolphins Out with the Swine Flu?

Reports out of Miami say that cornerbacks Sean Smith and Jason Allen will miss tonight's game due to illness and are currently undergoing tests to see if they have a case of the Swine Flu. However, Smith's agent stated that these rumors are incorrect and that his client is simply ill - like every day stomach flu ill, not the Porky Pig variety.

Whatever the case may be, this illness has left the remaining players in the secondary to re-enact a small scale version of Stephen King's The Stand. Now it is a matter of seeing if they will follow the light or succumb to the darkness.

UPDATE: Already, members of the media are suggesting that fans not attend practices or games out of fear of contracting the infamous Swine Flu. Hysteria or prudence? I vote hysteria. But then again, perhaps I will live to regret that when my neck swells up to the size of a tree trunk and I choke to death on my own mucus...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Catch of the Week: Sean Smith & Sexy Dolphins Fans

Now that the season is finally here, it is time to bring back one of our most popular features. Every week we will bring you the most spectacular catch of the game and and sexy gal for no particular reason. Shamelessly gratuitous eye candy.

The first "Catch of the Week" was to feature rookie Sean Smith's beautiful interception against the Jaguars, but sadly, I could not find a single video of that particular play. So instead, a video of one of Smith's most memorable collegiate interceptions will have to suffice. In addition, you will see an exclusive clip of a Miami Dolphins owner performing a scintillating quasi-striptease.

Below are some of the hottest Miami Dolphins fans found on the internet: